she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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