I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
