I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
