he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
