I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
