Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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