the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
