I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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