I'm laying in your front yard are you home
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
