You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
