you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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