I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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