"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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