You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
