toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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