youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
