Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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