why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
