and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
