Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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