I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
