Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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