I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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