Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
