a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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