sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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