It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
