i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
