I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize