This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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