Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This is my gift to your gina
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
