just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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