I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
