Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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