just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
