And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok