why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges