It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?