woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.