we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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