i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
