ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She bit a glass in half.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
