Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Pants are for mortals
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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