Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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