Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
the raccoons are back...
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