someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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