Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
last night I used snow as a chaser
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
