I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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