I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
