Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
