dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
