Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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