Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
