I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
