apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
