Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
