i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
